You Say I'm a Dreamer....

Here’s a little known fact for everyone…GVSU was never my first choice for colleges.  NMU was quite high on the list, as well as Albion.  The first choice was knocked off the list when mom told me she wouldn’t allow me to go so far away from home, and the second…well lets be honest, I would never be able to afford that.  But this is all besides the point.  All of these schools (including GV) have one thing in common: I would feel the utmost comfortable on all of these campuses—versus say EMU (NOT to say that EMU is a “Bad” place…please don’t take it that way).

As we all know, a fellow GV student was shot, pretty much in my “backyard” by an Ottawa County policeman ( http://www.lanthorn.com/57-officer-charged-for-derek-copp-shooting has more information if you have no idea) .  Now at first this was really exciting.  I enjoyed following the story, but my landlord took an obscene amount of time to release their “thoughts” (if you even want to CALL them that….) and so I started to feel a little hesitant about the situation.  But it was just a “whatever” kind of thing, and fun to read about.

Not it’s just annoying.  Let’s get one thing straight, I am, and always will be in support of my peers.  I believe that in college it should be considered “normal” that people experiment with drugs and alcohol.  I’m not saying I CONDONE it, just that it happens, and it is pretty stereo typical of college.  If you are going to fire a weapon at them when presenting a warrant (not raid…WARRANT), this may be a “mistake” but I thought that this was something they taught you in the Police Academy…to PREVENT mistakes.

But why would I be mad you may ask.  Simple.  I’M SO SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT!!  I cannot wait to move back home and get away from the drama.  I chose to come here because this wasn’t something I would have to deal with everyday.  I do not want to participate in the protests.  I do not need to write letters to the Sheriff’s department, because I’m not going to lie, they should know that they did wrong.  Especially if this isn’t the first time this has happened in one semester.

So here’s to you Ottawa County Sheriff’s department.  Just remember, karma’s a bitch.  And Deputy Hazuinga (or however you want to spell it) You may have your job back, but I hope your concious haunts you.  You almost took an innocent life, over less than an OUNCE of marijuana.  Which I’m sure you probably once tried in your life, and I’m sure you drive over the speed limit when no one is looking.

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights….”

I wish my friends would re-evaluate their views on love and decide what is love and what is lust.  I get frustrated when they let boys/”men” walk all over them, but they think it is okay because “They’re the one”.  That is really what you want?  That is someone that you may someday have watching after your own children?  You want your friends, and possibly your someday children to see how that man treats you and to think that thats okay?  I know I’m not living in a fantasy land in thinking that men do exist that do not act like this, but I think my friends just want something NOW, and are failing to see that patience is virtuous.  Don’t just settle for what is presented to you, because that is lust.  Why wait for something that annoys and agitates you?  Why wait for someone that can’t make up their mind about you, and has to “experiment” before he made his decision on someone who has devoted their heart already?  I know I’m not the BEST person at this, but still.  Lets have a little respect for ourselves ladies!  Life is too short to be thrown around like this….

“Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter”

It should be figured that once things start to actually shape up in my family structure, that it should be forced to deter away from “home”.

Everyone keeps telling me that my dad having to work for this company is no big deal.  And I get it.  But heres what you don’t get….whenever I finally get things back on track, it gets taken away from me.  I just finished shaping mine and my dads relationship, and was just starting to make it concrete…and now I have to go without seeing him?  Where’s the just in that?  Somedays I think “Well…he waited 18 years to do it…what’s some more time?  After all…Absence makes the heart grow fonder?”  But then I look at the relationships I have with my friends that are hundreds of miles away…yeah some of them are great, but I can’t help but think that no matter what happens, things will be different when we all gather in the 810.  SO are things going to slip back into the old ways?  I cry myself to sleep with all the stress in my mind.  AND THEN I find out today, through a friend, who found out from his mom, who found out through his dad…that my dad has gone cold turkey on drinking because of our financial problems.  Really?  Did that just SLIP someones mind?

Somedays I want to go back to the 810 soooo bad and then other days, just for my sanity’s sake, think that staying back in the 616 would be better for my health.  But I need out of here…even if just for a week.  To go where I will only be disappointed by the lack of jobs, and lack of motivation I find myself having when it comes to being on top of my studies.

In other news, I’ve started to venture outside of my “comfort zone” here at school.  I tried to pledge a sorority to get more of an insight into what the big hulabaloo was, and to be honest I was jealous of the friendships people had formed, and I was truly encaptured into what I discovered.  And no one, even now, knows except for those close to me.  And I was chastised by some for what I did, and I realized the wrong that I had been speaking to so many others, and how much it hurt.  I’m so glad I did what I did, even if I didn’t make it.  I will for sure do it next semester.  I started to party and “go out”.  This causing me to make more friends, maybe not strong bonds, but I’ve found more commonalities that make my situation SO much easier.  I’ve started stepping out of my door more often too to talk to my roommates.  I’ve told them some of my darkest secrets and now have no problem telling them what I’m comfortable and uncomfortable with, and at times I have even found myself at my most vulnerable, crying into their shoulders.

Now is the time I must figure out how to truly fend for myself.  Depending on my parents has become a facade of yesterday.  I miss my youth. I need a guiding light, I can’t do this on my own….

We have a birth certificate to prove we were born
We have a death certificate to prove we died
But we only have picture to prove that we once lived…

“Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”

I go days feeling my life is so filling of happiness, and some days feeling my life is full of misery.  I can’t decide if I make it this way, or I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place.  But I’m learning to leave decisions up to Him, and that He will show me where to go.  I’m learning to build my patience level, and though some days it’s emotionally draining, and I sit here locked in my room….it’s shaping me quite a bit.  Nick used to tell me “One day at a time….” and I used to say I believe it, but now, more than ever, have I started to take it to heart. 

I laughed until I cried tonight.  It felt good.  I wouldn’t say that I forgot what that feels like, but it was like “refinding” a missing part.  I miss my buddy, but 15 days!!  And I get to go home this weekend, come back to school for 3 days, and then go back home.  Go back for four days, and go up north.  One weekend at school, home, one week at school, Thanksgiving.  Hell week/parents come up for recital.  Finals.  Home for a month.  So I’m wrapping up one semester.  Five more to go…AHH!! 

I’m so pumped for Thanksgiving and Christmas break.  I can go home and have TIME.  I hate feeling like time is slipping through my fingers, and I have no way of controling it.  I can hang out with everyone, and those that I haven’t really seen since the summer.  I miss them quite terribly.  Plus partying…without worrying about how much time I have left before I’m back up to school yet again. 

And I’m looking forward to the whole Christmas experience.  I like it when the whole fam fam gets together.  It sounds corny…like out of a Christmas movie…but all the stress is worth it in the end for the smiles and laughs. 

This past weekend was totally necessary….I forget how much I need mom until I spend time with her.  It was interesting…we actually laughed, genuinely.  I haven’t seen her do that in awhile.  It made me smile.  I think she needed this past weekend as much as I did. 

But my journey is continuing, and before I know it it will be summer again.  It’s crazy to think that I’m half way done with my BA degree.  Seems like just yesterday I was saying good bye to everyone I had graduated with for the last time.

“Don’t be dismayed at saying goodbye. Goodbye’s are necessary before we can meet again”

I never imagined life without my best friend.  Then again, I never thought something so stupid as boys would inevitably interfere.  For more than ten years it has always been “Thelma and Louise” “Bonnie and Clyde” “Moose Racks and Beaver Tits” and now it’s all gone.  In nothing more than a 3 minute conversation where I couldn’t stick up for myself.  I’ve learned that it is more easier to be pissed at someone, than to be upset.  I hid my emotions by swearing, and being angry, and then once I sat down and talked to try and discover what I was thinking…I cried.  The first words I hear from HER in days, are her screaming at me how “done” she is.  If I can’t get a word in edge wise, than what is she hiding from?

Than I sat down to do more packing.  And I got mad.  I have to change out all my pictures.  All these stupid memories are everywhere, and I want to get rid of them.  Why can’t this happen when I’m already starting a new chapter?  Now I have to wait 2 weeks to try and forget you.  It kills me.

17 days.  I want to get away.  I’ll miss you.  Apparently the favor won’t be returned.  I refuse to give into anything this time.

When there was only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you….

Often times I sit and wonder if I make the same impact on peoples hearts, as they have made on mine.  Change scares me so much, that I often feel like it’s holding me back.  This is such a huge change that I’m afraid I’m going to lose relationships I’ve worked so hard at.  Which puts my trust in myself at a seemingly low level, as well as the trust I have in others.  Everything is changing so fast, and it seems like every time I blink someone is engaged, pregnant, moving out of town.  I continually tell myself that they weren’t meant to be if they are never heard from again—easier said than done.

I wonder how much more beating my heart can take….

I had a scare this weekend, nothing I SHOULD have been freaked out over, but I freaked none the less.  It was a reality check.  The facade was nice and calm, but my heart was in my throat.

It was days like that that I wished the one person that wasn’t involved that could make me laugh didn’t live 787.24 miles away.

Back to work tomorrow.  This month end thing is kicking my ass